I’m in a mid-marriage boredom with Denver. AWhat feels like a lifetime ago I moved here for the first time, and I fell in love. I was blinded by the coolness of Denver. Everyone on their fixie bikes, dumping out their compost bins, stopping at the local bookstore to read poetry and holding up their quippy signs at Occupy rallies in front of the capitol. I had romantic evenings with bearded boys strolling down alleyways after vegan restaurants and indie music. I had evenings at universities and conference centers where I feigned understanding of complex international affairs and liberal democracies, listening to leaders I looked up to. I thought it was the coolest thing our mayor started a craft brewery, and then went on to be governor just to give his seat to a black man. Coming from Oklahoma, it was a lot. I had that innocent insecurity of a young lover, looking up to Denver and its cool intellectuality. It was 2009 and I had so much life to live – music? Grad school? International travel? Polyamory? – But I knew one thing, I wanted to marry Denver, and I wanted to feel like I was a part of it all. This would be home someday.
At some point, I thought Denver wasn’t quite enough, or I hadn’t gotten enough adventure and fun out of my system, so I shipped off to another country after a few years, but always with a foot hold (aka bicycle) in Denver. When I moved back, the relationship went to a whole new level – I want to buy a home here, be an active citizen here, vote here, build community here, have a family here. I’m ready to “settle”
I did all that. Now I’m even starting a business here. Giving my talent and time and so so so much money to Denver. And, fifteen years after the first rosy glow, I’m in a mid-marriage boredom.
I am an avoidant lover, its true. I took the quiz, and a therapist confirmed, so it must be real. I have a hard time believing in love, believing that love can stay, that I can stay, and not feel trapped. Is that how I love this City? Or, is how I love this city, something I can learn from to love better in romantic relationships?
Its interesting how I’ve stayed committed to Denver all this time. It feels like keeping it on the back burner for so long – always an option but never a choice – was what has helped me stay for so long. And that’s exactly what I do to lovers. Once I made the commitment to be here, be all in, dive in, give it my all, I got … bored? I got… judgy? Is Denvr really all its cracked up to be? Does Denver care that I’m here? Am I really making a difference or is this all just a green washed city that wants to be San Francisco with its bro-ey breweries and ski bums and techies that are making it impossible to afford to live here for anyone who doesn’t fit that mold – and does Denver really care? Am I proud to be “of Denver”? Which is exactly what I do to lovers.
Nonetheless, I’ve stayed. I AM still here, despite the urge to run or give up or judge or think I can find something more ‘perfect’. I’m opening a business here that will be an emblem of my contribution to the city I want to live in, the kind of people I want to gather with, the kinds of values I want to put out in the world. And I have to love Denver for what it is, even if its not exactly what I think it should be. I have to love Denver for the way its loved me and carried me through all my phases of the last fifteen years. Denver has seen me through so many heartaches and jobs and bike accidents and restaurant closings and rallies at the capitol and boyfriends and best friends and homes and snow storms… Denver has made me who I am today in some part. And I, have made Denver. Because I am part of it all. Just like I wanted to be. Entangled in this imperfect place but trying to love it and let it love me. Exactly the way I want to love a lover.
